Of Unknown Origin

hazel eye

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Here we go again. A slow twist to an otherwise exciting day. Which it isn’t. I wonder too much at what is attraction, and what is simple affection. Does affection lead to attraction? In my case, I always go with the negative. It’s not that I don’t believe that it could happen, but, in my case, what I perceive as attraction is often just plain simple affection.

I look at myself in the mirror, and I laugh. Who could possibly want that? I’m overweight, I’m balding, I’m gray, and my teeth need work. I just don’t see myself as ‘attractive.’ how could anybody else?

I look at her, and I wonder how anybody could not find her attractive. Then I remind myself that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Yeah, a sad cliché, but true, nonetheless. Think about it. Have you ever noticed how someone you’re attracted to become all that more beautiful? You may have never given her a second look before, but now that you’ve found each other, there is no other person for you? I can’t speak to the women’s viewpoint though. I just know my perspective.

It is interesting too, that what one guy may consider a drop dead gorgeous woman, may be butt ugly to another. There are guys that love big butts, others that are suckers for breasts… ya, I know… I couldn’t resist… and so on. But, the attraction… Why?

Men are supposed to be visual creatures, that hunt by sight. So they go off visual cues that trigger certain primal centers within them. I suppose the reproductive urge is as primal as it gets. So the cues for one male may be different from another…

Sigh… I thinking too much about this whole thing… Let me tell you about the women that I’ve found attractive… One was a blonde, a classic English Rose, with wavy blonde hair, and green eyes. Man, I just fell into those eyes…

She was a rebound though, I think… That whole period was just a jumble of emotions with no clear definition of where one began and one ended… The one that started the whole mess… and I say that with the greatest of affection… was… slender, vivacious, with sun kissed auburn hair and hazel eyes… Some how we just connected… We could talk… often whole days at work would go by with neither of us getting any work done… Yes, I met her at work… Like my ex, like the blonde English Rose…

Miss Auburn, however, was the one that started it all… I just didn’t know it at the time. I never felt like that before, and I didn’t know what it was. It’s only years later that I began to realize what it was I was feeling, why there was a flood of raw emotions that came tumbling out… and why my ex downplayed it, even casting doubt on her mental stability…

Of course she wasn’t stable! Would you be if someone you were profoundly attracted to was not only married, but seemed to be totally naïve about his feelings? Or about how you felt about him? Worse, she might be looked at as a home wrecker…

You know, I can’t blame my ex, either. She must have felt like she was now discarded waste, when I was paying so much attention to some other woman. A woman who made her look like a sandbag! I was her meal ticket, and if I left, she would be on her own again.

Ya, I know, I’m not painting the best picture of myself… so what? It’s the truth, and it’s ugly. I have to live with it everyday, and… relive… try to relive those precious moments of happiness… I’ve tried to write about those emotions so that I would remember them…

Sigh… But I’m getting off track… Visual beauty. Why was I attracted to these women? Why am I attracted to this woman? What I’ve realized is that I have a certain preference. Small, petite women. Women with a certain neck length ratio. Specific facial types. Body to leg ratio. B or C cup breasts. Nipples that will stand up and salute on those cold days. Flared hips, and ‘booty’ to certain proportions. Eye color. Hair, wavy, curly or straight, short, or long… She has a lot of those visual cues, and then some are put on the ‘tolerable’ list because of those other attributes. If it comes together, my eyes are drawn to her.

Yet, there is another not so quantifiable factor. I don’t know how to explain it. I just know with certain women that I will get along well with them. How? I just don’t know, but every time I met someone who I knew I would get along with, I do. Self fulfilling prophesy? Maybe… but I don’t think so.  Not completely. True it may make me more amenable to being with them, but there’s just more to it. Subtle visual clues? Pheromones? What is it?

It was like that with Ms Auburn. I knew when I saw her for the first time that we’d get along. I avoided her. There were guys, like bees around nectar, but I stayed away. I couldn’t bring myself to go up to her, and I was afraid that something would happen. Of course, God being the practical joker, decided to intervene. The powers in charge of the floor decided to seat her next to my desk… Ya, you guessed it, and it went from there…

Those few weeks were… I don’t even know how to describe them… Yahweh decided to show me what it was like to be in love, to feel passion, to feel loss so deep that it hurt physically. And how to slowly go on. Then he sprung the English Rose on me… sigh…

I’ve avoided a few others along the way. Even after my ex and I broke up, I still avoided. I was damaged goods. I am damaged goods. I have scars that I will never recover from, and yet… Here I am, again.  I am feeling things that I haven’t felt in a decade. I keep telling myself that it’s all in my mind, that there is no real attraction, that she just feels safe with you, like all the other women. I’m the ‘safe guy!’ Still… for the first time in a long while, my inner child felt like coming out and playing. Can I really deny him his playmate?

About rokuth

With a few exceptions, all the prose poems I have posted are at least a decade old. A reflection of some of the things I've lived through. New ones seem to be emerging, though... The blogs are more current. Rokuth = Ro(dney) Ku(lanayagam) Th(illiampalam) 'Khanahdhara' is actually a Sci-Fi/Fantasy story I'm working on.
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