What does it mean?

Poor Little Homeless Teddy Bear

Image by Terry McCombs via Flickr

So… I let it play out, and it ended more or less as I expected it to. She likes me… as a FRIEND… Always those dreaded words…

Well, alright… she didn’t quite say them… I was going to take her up on her on ‘belanja’-ing her… but she said no that it was okay, that the kuehs were  okay, and that I could just get her little things… So it wasn’t an outright refusal, but still a put-off. Me being a man, I took it as “I just want to be friends,” with a pretty smile, and batting eyelashes at the end of that statement. Sigh… Women.

Sometimes I just don’t know why I do it… Well okay, I do… I’m a sucker for a pretty face… Well not exactly, but there is something there. I don’t know how else to describe it, but it’s… something. I just don’t know what it is.

Ever since then, I’ve noticed she’s changed how she reacts to me. It used to be lighter, more open, laughing at my silly jokes. Now she’s a little distant. Sometimes I think she avoids getting close to me, and sometimes I think she second guesses herself after she casually touches me, and she has to casually touch someone else to make a point that she’s not touching me only…

Okay, so maybe I’m just seeing things, misreading them. Maybe I’m just obsessed with her… but please tell me why, that when she was down, upset with the way things were going at work, she comes and plants herself at my cubicle with a hung dog expression? She doesn’t say a word for a few seconds until I ask… Then she pours it all out… If that doesn’t mean that there’s something, then just strike me down!

Then when she has to ask me to come in on a Saturday, she has the sweetest expression on when she asks. Or she starts poking me in the arm repeatedly, while she’s asking, like she’s done that a million times before with me. It was such a familiar act that I didn’t even think about it until later. Much, much later…

Or that she will ‘mother’ me, without batting an eyelid. Then, when I call her on it, she says it just to make sure I can make it in to work… Yeah, right. She gets so… familiar… that’s the best way to describe it… with me. Like we’ve known each other for years, and it’s just normal behaviour between us… Like she’s already decided who and what I am to her…

Why me? Alright, I’ll admit that that’s been asked by men all through the ages. Those men who have an attraction to women who like them as friends… who they feel safe with them… Still… it doesn’t quell the longing… it doesn’t dispel the want or the desire… it doesn’t soften the agony of having to be there, and listen to her while your very first instincts is to put your arms around her and hug her…

I let it play out because I know myself well enough to expect that I will end up just being a friend. I know that since I left it in God‘s hands, He will let it pay out to the end…

After all these years… I still have hope… for a romance…

I think that’s what they see in me… Women… that I am safe… that I will protect them… and that it will be at no cost to them…

Yet I have to wonder. Am I just living down to my expectations? If I were to expect more, say an actual relationship, would that happen? Is it that I’m too scared to ask for more? That since I expect rejection, I don’t go beyond what I feel safe doing? Is it always about being safe?

Yahweh protects me. I should know that, but I still fall back on my human weaknesses. I’m just too afraid to take that big step… So much for me being fearless… Funny the things that scare the shit out of you. Rather face a firing squad than ask a woman out… Ohh I swear! He laughs at me… Sigh… Of course, the irony is not lost on me.

What is it that they say? That He knows you from even before you’re born and knows how things will be with you. Yet He gives us free will to decide for ourselves… At the end of the day, it is us that are in charge of our own destiny. He shows us the roads, He lets us be tempted, and then we get to decide whether we follow Him or not.

Some say that the way it is written, we are all predestined to our fates. That He knows how our lives will turn out, so no matter what we decide, it has been fated to happen that way.  therefore, I was always fated to be her friend and nothing more. All the choices I make are already known to Him since it has already been written in the ‘Book of Rokuth.’

Theologians have a way of complicating the simplest of things. The simpler, less complicated way is the way I look at it. He is the Master Craftsman, He built us, and so He knows every little thing about us, including our flaws, our temperament, and even our intelligence. He Knows us. Then, He let’s us free into the World ruled by Satan. Once we are on our own, every little thing we do, our choices, our behaviour, our acts, that is all on us. We make the choices for ourselves, so we are ultimately responsible for our actions.

Free will. That is His Gift to us. How we will be judged at the end of Days will be dependent on us. Our stories are written as we live it. I don’t know the ending of the ‘Book of Rokuth’ because it hasn’t been written yet. Even if I leave some things, or all things in His Hands, I am still subject to my weaknesses… and strengths. The only difference is that I have the hope that the choices I make are guided by Him.

So What do I do? What do I do? What do I bloody well do? I don’t know… She’s been nagging my thoughts though. If she said that I didn’t have to, does that mean that if I wanted to she might say ‘Yes?’ I’m grasping at straws, here… The nagging thought is that I should know for sure. Leaving it up in the air is just a recipe for disaster… It’ll leave me wondering for the rest of my life about the ‘what if’ of the whole thing.

I think too much… I worry about if she says ‘No’ that she’ll be afraid that I be angry and make it difficult for her at work. She might change the way she behaves towards me… I don’t know… I keep hoping for an answer to pop into my mind, but it’s all doubts that I have… Sigh.

Yeah, you’re all screaming at me ‘Just ask her out, already!!!’ and you’re right. I should just do it and get it over with. Coffee, drinks… at Old Town maybe? For thirty minutes, one day… one evening after work…

*—–*

I should mention this… as this happened after I started writing this…

She’d been looking down the past couple of days… On FB she writes ‘Drama’ on her status… A couple of her friends ask her what type of drama, any hollywood hunks… I throw my two cents in saying that I’ve been in Hollywood, did some minor work in the business… ya, like I’m going to tell…  She shoots back that’s been in all the cartoons I’ve seen, etc.

She’s still looking down the next day, and the thought hit me that she just needs a hug… Don’t go there… I had to struggle with it on the way home… Like this nagging thought I’m having now… I finally relented and thought about a hundred different ways of saying it, and I just sent her another message on her FB. I asked if she needed a hug, that she’d been looking like she needed one. She replied that it was sweet of me and that a big bear hug would be good… I sent her one on FB…

Don’t say it. I know… I’m a dope… Still…

I kinda know why women feel safe around me… Because they will be… Bear hug, indeed…

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About rokuth

With a few exceptions, all the prose poems I have posted are at least a decade old. A reflection of some of the things I've lived through. New ones seem to be emerging, though... The blogs are more current. Rokuth = Ro(dney) Ku(lanayagam) Th(illiampalam) 'Khanahdhara' is actually a Sci-Fi/Fantasy story I'm working on.
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One Response to What does it mean?

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