Mildly Depressed

Sometimes I think
He is the ultimate prankster
He is the Creator after all
And I would be sorely disappointed
If He didn’t have a sense of humour
I just wish though
He wouldn’t pull His tricks
On me

He entices me
Tempts me
Tests me
With beauty
Womanly delight
Charm and ingenue

Tied in knots
Torn between
Honour & Duty
To love one
And wanton lust
For another

Honour and Duty
Never have I realized
The import of these words
I have become them
Given over in attempts
Held in check
By their very definitions
To live these words

How could such things bind me
Where did I learn them
What nature of man am I
That these tasks hold me true
at the cost of all else
What fool am I

Thoughts that question
Bull the need of my existence
Rushing in like the Knight Errant
Failing to see that
I am no Hero
But on a Fool’s errand
Determined that I vanquish none
But my happiness

Within me I see nothing
But the thick oozing slime
Clotted in my Heart
My Soul screams out
You have failed
You will never win
You are lost

And I remember that
I have failed
I have never won
I have lost
Does that mean that
I am a failure
I am a loser
I will forever be lost

Answers that do not come
Tell me what I know
Rushes me to the Edge
Makes me look into the Pit
That Despair wrought
Edges me closer to my End

Honour & Duty
And Love
That I have
I long for
I desire for
I sacrifice for
I am afraid of

Better I love from a distance
Than I give myself over wholly
I know its value
For it was the way
Of my parents

None of it meant much
To Mummy and Papa
Kept at arms length
As a prize of Life
I learnt all I know
From their tantrums
Their sullen sulks

Sins of my Father
Violates me
Shown to me everyday
In small things
I don’t do
I don’t Love
I don’t Feel
I don’t Care

Honour, Duty, Love I live
Kept alive by His Grace
Taken for granted the Pain
I will endure my life
As it is desired
by Yahweh

What needs to be done
Will be done alone
Disentangled from others
I have destroyed
By my leprous touch
All I want now
Is Peace

I bide my life
For the ending
To read the last lines
That say
Calm reigns at last
Close the Book
And put it back
On the shelf

About rokuth

With a few exceptions, all the prose poems I have posted are at least a decade old. A reflection of some of the things I've lived through. New ones seem to be emerging, though... The blogs are more current. Rokuth = Ro(dney) Ku(lanayagam) Th(illiampalam) 'Khanahdhara' is actually a Sci-Fi/Fantasy story I'm working on.
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2 Responses to Mildly Depressed

  1. Pingback: Memory Loss | Rokuth's Blog

  2. Pingback: It Fell | Rokuth's Blog

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