Mildly Depressed

Sometimes I think
He is the ultimate prankster
He is the Creator after all
And I would be sorely disappointed
If He didn’t have a sense of humour
I just wish though
He wouldn’t pull His tricks
On me

He entices me
Tempts me
Tests me
With beauty
Womanly delight
Charm and ingenue

Enraptured
Enthralled
Tied in knots
Torn between
Honour & Duty
To love one
And wanton lust
For another

Honour and Duty
Never have I realized
The import of these words
I have become them
Given over in attempts
Held in check
By their very definitions
To live these words

How could such things bind me
Where did I learn them
What nature of man am I
That these tasks hold me true
at the cost of all else
What fool am I

Thoughts that question
Bull the need of my existence
Rushing in like the Knight Errant
Failing to see that
I am no Hero
But on a Fool’s errand
Determined that I vanquish none
But my happiness

Within me I see nothing
But the thick oozing slime
Clotted in my Heart
My Soul screams out
You have failed
You will never win
You are lost

And I remember that
I have failed
I have never won
I have lost
Does that mean that
I am a failure
I am a loser
I will forever be lost

Answers that do not come
Tell me what I know
Rushes me to the Edge
Makes me look into the Pit
That Despair wrought
Edges me closer to my End

Honour & Duty
And Love
That I have
I long for
I desire for
I sacrifice for
I am afraid of

Better I love from a distance
Than I give myself over wholly
I know its value
For it was the way
Of my parents

None of it meant much
To Mummy and Papa
Kept at arms length
As a prize of Life
I learnt all I know
From their tantrums
Their sullen sulks

Sins of my Father
Violates me
Shown to me everyday
In small things
I don’t do
I don’t Love
I don’t Feel
I don’t Care

Honour, Duty, Love I live
Kept alive by His Grace
Taken for granted the Pain
I will endure my life
As it is desired
by Yahweh

What needs to be done
Will be done alone
Disentangled from others
I have destroyed
By my leprous touch
All I want now
Is Peace

I bide my life
For the ending
To read the last lines
That say
Calm reigns at last
Close the Book
And put it back
On the shelf

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About rokuth

With a few exceptions, all the prose poems I have posted are at least a decade old. A reflection of some of the things I've lived through. New ones seem to be emerging, though... The blogs are more current. Rokuth = Ro(dney) Ku(lanayagam) Th(illiampalam) 'Khanahdhara' is actually a Sci-Fi/Fantasy story I'm working on.
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2 Responses to Mildly Depressed

  1. Pingback: Memory Loss | Rokuth's Blog

  2. Pingback: It Fell | Rokuth's Blog

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