The Fool of April

There are going to be few people that are going to be upset with me. Why? Because in a week I’m going to be exiting FB. Why? Well… I could just easily say that I’ve been distracted, and I need to be concentrating on my new job, but that only be half the truth.

An old acquaintance just sent a friend request on FB. She was someone I’d thought that would never do that, but she did.  We had a falling out over money. To be more precise, she decided to dump me over the disagreement. I had always thought that even if we fought, we’d still remain friends. I mean, after all a relationship is not always good times and laughter. A good friendship should be able to survive such things. And maybe even get stronger.

The fact that she dropped me did make me feel like I had been used, and I had been lied to. I wasn’t any use anymore, so good riddance. So now, after so many years, she’s back, and want to be friends again… even if it’s on FB. It just makes me wonder what she wants, now.

Yes, I did accept her as a friend on FB. Maybe I shouldn’t have. Maybe I shouldn’t have replied to her message. I did, though, and I know it will have consequences. i just have to keep in mind what had happened before.

That’s one of the reasons why I decided to quit FB for a while. Another person’s been… well… a focus of my interest. I spend too much time checking her profile, having all sorts of emotions, and that’s just not healthy. I am beginning to think that she just does like me as a friend. She just puts up with my excessive attention because I am a friend. she’s hoping if she just limits the actual personal contact to a couple of times a year, when our mutual friend visits, and to FB, I’d get the idea, and move on.

I think it worked. Let’s face it, I do this all the time, and it’s just not mentally healthy. I shouldn’t be that attentive to someone who is just not that into me. As much as I like her, I think it is just time to let go of it. Nothing is going to happen.

Truth is, I am way too clumsy at this whole ‘pursue women’ thing. I keep doing things wrong, and I try to justify them, thinking that she’d like it, or would approve of it.  The truth is it’s what I think she would want, not what she really wants. I read into actions what in truth may just be what it is on the surface. I WANT IT, not what it really is. I am just lying to myself to get that precious sense of being wanted.

It’s too sick. I’m stopping because I don’t have social skills. I’m stopping because I’m a stranger in my own country and I’m just discovering the social mores of its people. I’m stopping because if I keep going on, I’ll just end up hurting her, and that’s the last thing I want to do. I’m stopping because I think that’s she wants. I’m stopping because if I don’t I will drive myself crazy with all the ‘what ifs.’ It’s just time to stop… before I become a stalker…

I’ve said it before, I don’t want to repeat my mistakes. I’ve gone this path and I’ve done stupid things. Just because it’s someone new does not make it any less of a moronic act. or acts. If I truly appreciate this woman, I will just stop, and go no further. So I will bail out of FB for a while. I’m thinking a month, but it just may end up being longer…

I cannot even articulate my thoughts… to write them down… I could just tone things down, and nobody would be the wiser… but I’m choosing to do something more drastic to see if she even notices… Even going off the grid has an ulterior motive…

So why bother? It’s just strange that I cannot be something that I am not. In the strangest twist, I am reading a book on emotionally healthy spirituality. a companion book, that deals with a weekly prayer routine so closely addresses what I’m going through that I am often close to tears when I finish a daily section. It is no coincidence that I would be reading it now. God‘s way of answering my questions, and telling me that what I’m going through is nothing new. It’s been happening since day one. I just don’t understand why it has to happen to me.

It occurs to me that I don’t have to understand why. I just have to understand that I can get through this. That worse things have happened to better people and they have come out of it a better person. I just have to trust… in God… in Allah… in Yahweh… in my Faith that He will provide me with what I need… in that I will learn to point myself in the right direction… I will see, and I will understand…

In the matters of the heart, I have no say, no will, no understanding, and no hope. That emptiness that I feel inside will be milder as I try to learn to use that energy for something… different… I think I’ve said it all before… and I naively try to batter my way out of it… in some fantasy that I am the hero, and I win her over… The truth is that they all see me as the nice guy, someone safe, someone they can confide in, but never as a paramore

I am not that person. I am not going to put on some persona to win someone. I would rather be my self, with all my weaknesses, than to be something I am not. I am just a fool hoping to find Love and be happy with what I  find. Like I’ve said, I am a wolf with no hunting skills.

—@—

In an odd twist of events, I only deactivated my FB account for a couple of days. That’s how long it took me to realize that this isn’t the problem. I am.  I just need to learn how to deal with it in a healthy manner.

As it is, my time socializing at work has shown me somethings. The Big Guy answers, you just have to know when He is talking to you. I’ve become adept at realizing when I’m being answered. That’s usually when I groan and roll my eyes heavenward. Sometimes I laugh… at my own naivety, and other times I just want to shake my fist at Him…

In that time, I actually met someone new. Of all places, at the bus-stop. She had come to pick up her daughter, and the bus I was suppose to take was late. We ended up talking, and it seems we have a lot in common. Then my bus showed up, and I had to leave. This, of course, was on April Fool’s Day. I’m waiting to see if God has pulled another one of his jokes on me…

Of course the biggest joke is that the friend that dropped me… well she’s become really chatty with me. I’m trying to be polite, and all I’m getting is… well… like I’m an old friend who she’s catching up with again…

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About rokuth

With a few exceptions, all the prose poems I have posted are at least a decade old. A reflection of some of the things I've lived through. New ones seem to be emerging, though... The blogs are more current. Rokuth = Ro(dney) Ku(lanayagam) Th(illiampalam) 'Khanahdhara' is actually a Sci-Fi/Fantasy story I'm working on.
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