Freedom from Pressure

I’ve been avoiding writing this. I suppose if I say it, it will only confirm that it has come to an end. That, as usual, I… well… reached for what was not there… hoping that it was there…

I don’t know why I do this to myself, but I do… no… that’s not completely true… I do know… I want… It is as simple as that. I want. I want Love. I want it to be that person that I am attracted to. I want her to want me, and Love me like I would Love her

Then Reality hits, and it’s all over. Was there something there? Did I imagine it? Did I misread her actions? Did I interpret them to be the way I wanted? Was I so blind to her deflecting my advances? Does she just like me as a friend, but is finding that my attentions are … unwanted…

It’s just that my new job has opened my eyes. Some of the things I thought that were an indication of attraction are… well… normal group behaviour. I’ve seen someone wave enthusiastically when she sees me, like the way she does. I’ve had friends take food off my plate, like she has. I begin to realize that a lot of what I had assumed were… indicators of attraction… were simply being misread. I feel like an idiot…

Still… I wonder how much I did misread? I sure she does feel something for me, but probably not what I’m hoping for… Afterall, how do you interpret someone telling you that she’ll only see you when her friend is in town? It is strange how things work out.

—@—

Speaking of how strange things work out, I had to go to the old job to pick up some money they still owe me, on Good Friday. I had it off since it was a bank holiday in Bermuda. I decided that I’d kill 2 birds with one stone and pick my money & do some shopping. I had already told them I’d be coming in and the manager handling it said it’s be ok.

It was suppose to be handled by the other manager, but he was busy so he asked you know who to help. You know I just about given up hope of ever doing anything with her again… So there I was thinking that this would be the last time I’d be seeing her, and it’d be a ‘Hi!, small talk & Bye!’ session with her.

Instead, the person that is suppose to have the money is not there so I don’t get my money, she’s apologetic, and someone says that we should go out to lunch to make up for it. She cheerfully agrees, and recruits another friend to go with us… but I’d have to wait half an hour though. No problem…

So I spend part of the time catching up with some of the other people at the old job. I eventually sit at an empty station close to hers, and we talk a little. It’s about then our mutual friend,  who is now in the Philippines, comes on Skype.

I find out that she is suppose to be back in KL in June for a visit. She asks about Chili’s, she wants to go again. It occurred to me that I always wanted to go to Hard Rock Cafe, so I suggest that we go there instead. So now I have plans to go to Hard Rock Cafe KL with two women sometime in June.

And I also had a group lunch with her and a couple of other friends from the old job… Even though I didn’t get my money, I wasn’t disappointed. We ended up deciding that they’d deposit the money into my bank account…

Did I mention that I hugged her ‘Hi!’ and hugged her again when we parted… Sigh…

I don’t know where this is going, but it seems to be going to interesting places…

—-@—-

Which leads me to a few days later. I have food poisoning, & I’m as sick as a dog. I type a quick status update about having food poisoning on FB, mentioning that I needed a kiss on the cheek to feel better… Yes, still with sense of humor even though sick…

For two whole days, I’m in bed, sleeping, waking up to take my meds, a quick snack & back to sleep. One the third day, I’m feeling… just out of it. I go back to the doc to get an extension on my MC, eat a little, then in bed.

The next day is Saturday, and I’m feeling actual hunger. For the first time in three days, I’m thinking of food. It occurred to me that I had not once in those past few days, felt… guilt, anger, anxious, sadness, hopelessness… and I had not once prayed in those days… It just seemed that I felt… light… that there was no weight on me from all the various bewildering thoughts of… my overactive mind. I suddenly understood what it meant to slow down. My mind needed to take a break, and that illness gave it that opportunity…

It was also an opportunity to look back at what happened; at the choices I made. When I had gone to pick up my money, all I was really expecting to do was to say ‘Good-bye’ to her. but the best laid plans of mice and men seldom ever survive contact with the enemy… well… she’s not the enemy… but you know what I mean. Instead, I was suddenly presented with a choice…

If I had decided not to stay for lunch, it would have been the ‘Good-bye’ I had been planning. It would have wound down to a few friendly exchanges on FB, to just a look to see what she’s been up to, to just having her on my FB page as another one of those people that I seldom interact with. It would have ended.

What happened, however, was that I chose to stay and go to lunch with her. since I did that, I ended up having a potential outing with her and our friend in June sometime. And I had lunch with her. Did I choose the path of lingering death?

The answer is no, I chose ‘Love’ or at least the very faintest possibility of ‘Love.’ Why? I don’t know… I just know that it felt right at the moment. And because I did, there is a very subtle change in the way she is reacting to me… I don’t know… I just feel it…

So she says she is starting a new chapter, and I know that it is coinciding with my new change, and the way she is reacting to me. When I wrote about me having food poisoning, she was one of the few people that responded, writing ‘Sick yet cheeky! ;P.’ I laughed. she was being punny… Life is str… no, God has my Life, and he’s taking it down paths that I would not have dared to go down… so I take a break, relax, and wait for the roller coaster to start up again…

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About rokuth

With a few exceptions, all the prose poems I have posted are at least a decade old. A reflection of some of the things I've lived through. New ones seem to be emerging, though... The blogs are more current. Rokuth = Ro(dney) Ku(lanayagam) Th(illiampalam) 'Khanahdhara' is actually a Sci-Fi/Fantasy story I'm working on.
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