I keep wanting to give up, but I keep making decisions that seem to prolong the agony. I don’t know why. I think I do it out of some sense of wanting to keep myself in pain. It’s like the only thing that tells me that I’m alive. Why don’t I just give up?
I keep wanting to say that it’s not my choice, but I think that that’s a cop out. I can choose to go the opposite direction, but I don’t. Why? That is the question. Why? I keep reaching for the impossible. Why? The question is there, but what is the answer?
Time to stop fooling myself with ideas that if I keep trying the impossible will happen. The truth is I am a hopeless romantic. I will watch those sappy love stories, and read them and think that I can be the hero and win the woman. The reality is that I am nor a hero, and I am not… warming the cockles of some woman’s heart… Rather, it’s always been the opposite. I think I send chills down the back of any woman that I say, or show an interest in.
What was it that my ex said… that she talked to a friend, and he said that I was a good guy, and then she decided that maybe I might be worth looking into… something along those lines… And no matter how you cut it… it comes out as being I was settled for… Is it any wonder that I didn’t measure up to anything she wanted?
There is a dull ache in my chest when I think about it. The woman who said she loved me had settled for me… I wasn’t the first choice, I was the ‘also ran.’ Ya, I knew she had looked at other guys, but I guess I finally realized what she was talking about…
So… the hopeless romantic in me still keeps searching… I just have to stop… I see friends at my age starting families, and I’m jealous of them. Face it, I’m not them… I’m just this bundle of insecurities… who’s dysfunctional look at Love and Romance just makes me look like some bizarre twisted person who just scares away women…
And the fact is, I have blinders on, and those that I might have had a chance with, I’ve ignored in the single-minded pursuit of someone that may not be attracted to me…
I still wonder though… What is it that I’m attracted to? What makes me drawn to some women, and not to others? Would it make a difference?
The thing is I think. I think of every damn possible scenario, and beyond. I sabotage myself from getting to know people that would have been happy to know me, or even get to know better. I’m too blind to see the good things around me, and choose to pursue the unreachable.
I wonder, is it me, or is it God‘s Hand? Or am I letting Him be the excuse for MY choices. My wants, my desires, my choices. Do I want to face the possibility that it is I that has made all these foolish decisions, and not God? What part did God play in it? Or was it God?
… And… I did it again… Stupid. Our friend was on FB telling another friend that she’ll be in town and to set aside some time for karaoke… I butt my two cents in and ask if I can join… Naturally she says yes… and adds I can sing ‘Just the way you are’ and ‘Dreams.’ I had to laugh.
But between when I wrote it and getting the response, I suddenly realized what I did, and I had hoped to delete what I said before she responded… No such luck… Why do I get myself into these situations… sigh… I’m smiling though, which tells me, some part of my mind has a perverse sense of enjoyment… or maybe not… I’m just going down some weird territory, and I’m just nervous… scared shitless… about it all…
… You know the one thing, or a couple of things I should clarify. First, when I say I chose the path of Love, I should say that… well yes, I have hope for romance, but I am just as happy to spend time with someone that I find so… adorable… sweet… and a powderkeg… even if it goes nowhere in the romance department, I am just happy to spend the time with her, with friends, and just enjoy the time. Nothing has to come of it, other than just good memories… I really have no expectations of anything, and I’m just glad that I have a chance to be with friends.
The other is that… inspite of all my whining, and despite all my sadsack moanings… I am happy! I’m happy that I have a job that I do enjoy. I am happy that I am appreciated on the job. I am happy with the way the company I’m with is so organized. I am happy for all the new people, new friends I’ve met at work. I am happy that I make a difference. I am happy that I get to spend time with good friends.
Sure, there are some things I need to do to improve my lot. I’m trying to take the steps in the right direction. I’ve given myself some goals, and I hope that I can reach them by the end of the year.
The bottom line? That my happiness is not dependent on someone else. at least I have come to understand this. All that I’ve said before is just introspection, a look to see why I do some things, and not others. It’s all true, too. I actually have a chance to enjoy my life, instead of being continuously disengaged, or just wallowing in the depths of depression. I guess I keep choosing the unknown because I haven’t been there, and it would be nice to know what people have been talking about.
That’s what’s changed in my life. I am actually trying to be part of something, and be social. Things that I have never been. Things that I never thought I could. Things that I felt I did not belong, or was not wanted. These days, I seem to intrude, and… well… the quiet guy… the good friend… the listener… I’m still that person… but my self-confidence seems to be rising… and I am not afraid to… well… not as afraid as I use to be about being honest, and truthful… Fear. That is the one thing that I need to… come to terms with… With God’s help, I will have some measure of it.