There is a vast void before me. It is not emptiness, but the fog of the unknown. It is the letting go of control, and allowing my Faith to guide me. It is to allow my heart to be open to His calling, and to take wing into the darkness that is the Absolute Love of the One True God…
What I am trying to put in so many words is that it is all new to me. I feel like I have just entered into something that I have never been through before. In my struggle not to repeat my same old mistakes, I have wandered into new territories.
I am trying to tread very carefully into areas that I can only guess about, and thread through the cultural mores. I am a foreigner. I will keep saying this, that I am a stranger in this that I am doing.
There is no guide, no book written, no manual for me to follow. I have to use my senses, a code of Honour that is as old as my people, my humility, to carefully negotiate my way. I am lucky that I do have that ethos of Faith, and openness. I can accept many things, as long as it does not violate my Love of the One God, my understanding, and my utter devotion to Him.
I have been lucky that He has shown me many things and given me understanding beyond my own comprehension. He has given me insight into things that I would have shrugged off before, but now see with clarity.
These things I leave to Him to guide me, because I am absolutely blind here. I still have my doubts. I still have my fears. Yet… there is a feeling deep down in me… that I just cannot shake that keeps telling me to keep going, keep at it. Learn, and understand, perhaps through trial and error, perhaps through quiet observation, but learn.
There is something there… or I just could be mad… insane in the mem-brain… There is always a feeling… a… knowing of something… and inkling of knowledge… that creeps into me… Usually, I act in the opposite way, distancing myself from the focus of my insight. To insulate myself from the potential of hurt and pain, from making a connection… from getting involved…
How I have changed… That I would instead choose to pursue. There is still fear that I would not know how to handle the unknown. However, the greater fear is to fail in the things that He has asked me to do. So I creep slowly forward, faltering, taking two steps back before going three steps forward.
I have seen… and what I have seen beckons me like a beacon. I keep wanting to rush, to reach impatiently for the final goal, yet I am told that it is patience that will win the day. In Trust, in Faith, I… stop… taking stock of the endgame… to wonder if my path will be barred by fear, or be guided by the same Love in the One God. I cannot know these answers until other things fall into place.
That is where Faith comes in. I cannot control those things, and have to leave it in His hands. Things that I can control, those actions that I take, I pray for guidance in what I do. I ask that I do them with love and with humility. To never let pride and ego get in the way. To let it happen as it happens, and not overthink like I always do. To let it flow from… within… from my Faith. To trust that whatever happens, that I accept it as God’s Grace. My wants, my desires are to be… linked… tied to… accepting that it may not be what He wants of me.
That is the hard part. To discern the difference. To know when to let go, and when to pursue. To accept that the desires of my wants, may not come to pass. Love, Agape is as Love does, and I am subject to Him.
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